Last night, I was looking at some of my old writings I’d kept deeply hidden in cloud files (assuming ‘clouds’ are private). Sometimes only a paragraph. Sometimes a full page. Sometimes I wrote and stopped in mid-sentence …. I can’t remember all those moments, per se, but I have memories of tearfully getting out phrases, laments, tumultuous ramblings and a few choice swear words — we all do it, no shame here. A quick mention re: strong language. Philippians 3:8 speaks of rubbish and in that context, it was acceptable enough to be included in the Canon.
As this unprecedented social distancing season(s) keeps on sputtering along, there’s been an awakening in me — truly an enriching sense of wonder, yet a dread remains; the fear of continued loss, failure, heartache, angst, etc. But, back to the *beautiful awakening* — like a breath of fresh air, this blissful renewing of my mind, heart, spirit, and the desire to love and care for my physical body, is providing the electrical current I have needed for so long. I was running on empty. The switch has been activated, yet the demons (perhaps not the proper terminology, but we probably all have them, to some degree) poke at me and want me to feel like my life entirely sucks. A complicated mess of a human. “A shell of my former self” (I’ve heard that one before). A loser (another memory I’d like to forget — *sigh).
During the moments when I’ve been sensing formidable emotional healing and restoration, I usually have tears of joy amidst crying out words of gratitude to God. This happens when I feel like things are going to be okay, all things considered. Only the Omniscient One knows the worst of my offenses, yet the grace being poured out on me feels rejuvenating. I love those moments of connecting with the ultimate, comforting force in the universe. Who can harm me, when God is for me? What can the enemy of my soul do, to crush me? The *beautiful awakening* is a real thing happening in my spirit, while so many mysteries remain and disheartening challenges are beyond my control.
When the dark night of the soul comes back to throw rubbish at me and accuse me (the accuser is always doing this, by the way), I can either give in to the despair or fight back with resilience. When my supply of confidence and strength are low, I lack the ability to brush off the discouragement. The walls close in on me and I feel like hiding again. I’ve been taking many steps forward but a few back. Such is recovery.
The following, is something I wrote in November of last year, which I posted to Instagram. The day before, I unexpectedly lost my job at a company I enjoyed working for. Discarded. No longer valued or wanted. It felt like a relationship breakup, death and impending financial ruin all rolled into one word: terminated. The despair came back with a vengeance ….
Another action I took, as I was grieving the loss of that job, was something I couldn’t fathom doing on that Friday; yet a few days later, I took each name of everyone in the company and offered a parting remark. I did it for my well-being and to demonstrate the character of the employee who was just let go, with no hard feelings. It felt like an enormous burden was lifted from my body and I no longer felt sorry for myself. I will share my parting words, without providing any names — then the response from one of my managers. It immediately warmed my heart and gave me the closure I needed.
xxxxxx – I appreciate so many things about you.
xxx – The tunes! You have great taste in music.
xxxxx – You taught me so many things, thank you.
xxxxx – Your brain in quickly figuring out things!
xxxxx – Your advice and thoughtfulness everyday.
xxxxxx – Your experience in complex situations.
xxxxxx – You are the kindest salesperson and coworker.
xxxxxx – Your many attributes make you strong and wise.
xxxxxxxx – You will have great success, so nice meeting you.
xxxxxxx – Thanks for the friendly breakroom chats.
xxxx – I appreciated your quick attention to my emails!
xxxxxxxx – Thank you for always fixing my computer!
xxxxxxx – You have the absolute best laugh!
xxxx – Thanks for offering advice whenever I needed help.
xxxxxx – I wish every company had someone like you!
xxxxxx – Your friendly office helloes!
xxxxxxxx – You are a kind person, such a great example.
xxxxx – You have so many attributes I admire in great leadership.
xxxxxxxx – Thanks for sharing your precious dog at the office.
xxxxxx – Your helpfulness everyday in lots of situations.
xxxxxx – Your hilarious shenanigans and hard work!
xxxxx – Thanks for the chats and always being so helpful.
That’s all for tonight. Hopefully tomorrow, and all my tomorrows will have a *beautiful awakening*